Benjamin Graham

The Prison Effect

There I was in my mid 50s and still living life as if I were a teenager. I was caught up in a lifestyle of drugs, sex, beautiful women, and their prerequisite…money. Things hadn’t changed much over the last four decades: Teetering back and forth between the church and the streets seemed to be my permanent lifestyle. Choosing to remain in line with my conscience (which always steered me in the right direction) was a decision that forever escaped me. I needed only to think about some pretty lady, or to see what I thought was a transaction taking place, or to acknowledge someone who even looked like they wanted what I was able to get, and I was well on my way in that direction.
Having been to jail over a dozen times was not a strong enough deterrent to keep me from seeking the pleasures that I should have outgrown 25 years prior. Even with prison time hanging over my head I continued in my folly and refused to seriously change. However, the last time I was arrested (again drug related) I knew that I was going to prison for the first time.
When the Judge sentenced me to 21 months in an Ohio State Correctional Facility, a dark realization came over me. Thinking to myself; “Here I am almost 60 years of age with a good education and lots of employable skills, but on my way to prison, not jail… prison!” This was a consequence of not wanting to “grow up!” Sitting there waiting for the bus to load up, I looked around at the other men waiting to “ride out”. As far as I could tell I was the oldest one in the bunch. They came and handcuffed us together arm-in-arm as if we were walking down the aisle to be married. That’s what they call it too “The Marriage”. We stayed that way (arm-in-arm) until we arrived at the Central Receiving Center (CRC).

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Benjamin Graham

We were un-cuffed at CRC and stripped naked (again) while they took a good look inside of us to make sure we didn’t smuggle anything in. They gave us a change of clothes (blue clothes that didn’t fit unless you were very fortunate), fed us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, fruit and kool-aid, and then marched us off to a cell block. The correctional officers were very nasty: They treated you as if you were less than human and I truly believe they were trained to be that way. The cells had a very different smell to me—not a stinky smell but a different smell, unlike any I had ever sensed before.
It was there, in that cell at CRC that I made a decision to change my life. I knew that if I did not change while in prison, I would never change on the outside. I did not hear an audible voice from heaven saying; “Change or die Benjamin!”, but inside of me…in my heart I knew that God was speaking to me through my situation. I knew that I had to grow form this experience toward Him. It was then that I wrote the poem “While I’m Here” (included), which expresses a determination to leave prison a different man. That is when I began to immerse myself in the processes of change. Like most of us, I was raised to know right from wrong. My parents had given me a great start in understanding the bible, and that was my guide to becoming a very different man. As I began to pray diligently, on a regular basis, things began to happen inside of me that I found to be exciting: The anxiety of what to expect from those around me diminished, I no longer worried about the negative attitudes of the other inmates or the prison guards, and there was a sense of peace that remained with me through it all (and is still with me today). Many scriptures in the bible began to stand out as I “studied to show myself approved.” “Considering my ways” became an ongoing theme, and seeing “God’s way as being the only profitable way” began to make real sense. Feeling the Spirit of God with me as “a very present help in time of need” was all that I needed to get through each day.
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Benjamin Graham
When television was finally made available to me, I found that the programs that were once of interest to me were no longer appealing. The almost “X” rated movies, and sitcoms, and soap operas were not good for me. Why? Because I like them, but they remind me of where I do not want to go back to. I especially avoided the porno magazines, and the deluge of nude photos floating all over the prison. For most guys it was okay: A little visual stimulation can help make time seem not so bad. But for me, it was a no-no. I had to practice denying myself.
Each time I had gone to jail in the past, I couldn’t wait to get out. I impatiently looked forward to getting back to what I missed to most… my old self. It was not about to happen again. The familiar places, the familiar people, and the familiar things had taken their last toll on my life. The problem was in my thinking; therefore, my mind had to be renewed. The daily bible studies convinced me that the stale bread of drinking and drugging and the spoiled meat of hustling and dealing were no longer to be included in my appetite. Graduating to a wholesome diet of spiritual and physical nutrition as a way of life had to have top priority. The determination to become different; stronger, wiser and better than I had ever been before was overwhelming.
That determination prompted me to enroll in Urbana University (the branch located at the prison facility). This was very an important step in the right direction for me (as it is for any prisoner). I found that I really enjoyed learning. I earned 22 transferable credit hours and maintained a 4.0 GPA. Realizing that I was still able to learn and grow and do well in school has everything to do with why I am here attending Columbus State today. I prayed asking God to open my mind and enable me to absorb what was being taught. It was also my prayer (and still is) that outside influences don’t interfere with my attitude of learning. Things that go on behind prison walls can be very influential. Things that go on outside of prison can be even more influential. However, I am convinced that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
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Benjamin Graham
Without my prayer life, I doubt that I would be able to maintain the necessary focus it takes to put fleshly desires on the shelf and live in the “right spirit”.
I have been celibate since the day before I was arrested nearly three years ago…by choice. I chose to stay away from drugs, alcohol, sexual encounters and the street life even after my release from prison six months ago with God’s help. Practicing abstinence was not a part of my plan, but I believe it is a part of God’s plan for me. I would not be able to devote nearly as much time to my education and spiritual growth if I had someone I “enjoyed” being with that required (or demanded) much of this necessary study time. Do I like being single? No! But for now I believe it to be the best thing for me. I look at life much differently now. The children I fathered (whom I don’t know) are now coming into my life. I communicate with them on a regular basis these days. This is a very big thing. I have also been back behind the prison walls on two occasions as a visitor, encouraging and inspiring the men to change while they are there. (I look forward to going back each time the opportunity is presented).
Living in my own apartment, going to college striving to do well, reading my poetic creations regularly at various meeting places, putting together a newsletter at the request of a new friend (who wants to finance it), sitting at home creating new works on a new computer that someone blessed me with, having an occasional bad moment but never a bad day: All of these “blessings” that I now enjoy are the result of a change in direction that I determined to make one day in a prison cell. They are some of the benefits of my new lifestyle which embraces change.
As we grow in life shouldn’t we all change? If not, we will remain the same; we will become stagnant and unable to adjust to the changing world around us. If we don’t embrace change we are not growing. And if we are not growing we are not living. Today I am alive, living life one day at a time and enjoying every moment of it. Thank God.

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